Journeys End

All travellers planning on carrying delicate computing machinery should take care when travelling in the U.K as to avoid being arrested or shot for being suspected of being a terrorist. The following are helpful tips on how to act and travel with in the U.K.

• Always stare at police officers so you are not deemed to have been "avoiding" them.

• Ensure that no one else is entering a station or bus stop, or any place of importance when you are - always enter alone to avoid the suspicion you are an accomplice in a terrorist attack.

• Avoid wearing enough clothing to be comfortable - wear enough so you are not freezing to death. Otherwise you may be arrested for being dressed "too warm for season".

• Its imperative you use several small bags rather than a single large one as to avoid appearing to be carrying explosives - this applies even if it severely inconveniences you by forcing you to put your laptop in one bag, charger in another with other media, and another for normal every day items.

• In relation to the above, regularly leave all your bags alone and walk away so you are not at risk of being accused of "keeping your bags with you at all times". Whilst this does significantly increase the risk of theft, its nothing compared to the inconvenience of being arrested under the new Terrorism Act.

• Do not at any point look at people coming on the platform, except if they are police officers. Terrorist always look at people coming on the platform - you really don't want to be mistaken for a terrorist in the U.K these days.

• If your phone rings, do not answer it or attempt to send a SMS in reply. Nor should you take any pieces of paper out of your pocket and read it - these acts makes you a terrorist suspect.

• Make no attempt to protect your belongings - laptops included. Do not appear to be protective of your bags - you could be mistaken for being protective about explosives.

• Always ensure to dress in the latest fashion - terrorists never dress properly and stand out from the crowd.

• In no circumstance should any wires be seen protruding from your bag - this includes ear phones. Wires sticking out of your bag(s) is a sure sign you are a potential terrorist and may need to be shot on the spot, especially if you appear to be scared of plain clothed men running towards you with drawn guns.

• Even if the train is late and you are missing your promotional interview or a similarly important event, appear calm and collected. Do not check your watch, do not pace, do not mutter "where is the f**king train" under your breath.

• If you have problems with crowds or do not feel comfortable around people, public transport is severely discouraged - terrorists often have the same problem and its difficult to tell you and them apart. Taxi is recommended if you can afford it, otherwise you can always walk to your destination.

Failure to adhere to guide lines above will result in arrest, house search, and confiscation of personal items. Information compiled from the International Association of Chiefs of Police training guide regarding suicide bombers.